Friday, April 6, 2012

What is it with men and yoga pants?? 

Recently, the Hubster asked me, who am I kidding(!?) he flat out told me, that it was time for me to invest in some newer sexier underwear! Oh! "and throw in some yoga pants while your at it!". Wtf?! Might I add that any time *other* than tax time, the Hubster would never suggest I spend money a small fortune on myself, for his visual enjoyment or otherwise.... Did I mention that the suggestion also included a trip to Victoria Secret? Now for those of you who follow my blog, you know that I find VS cringeworthy. Especially after our last visit, when the Hubster was caught shirking his parenting duties by ogling the employees and mannequins, while I shopped and he was *supposed* to be watching our 2 year old, who when left to his own devices, was found sifting through a drawer of thongs with a hot pink polka dot bra tied on top his head. Honestly, I haven't been back there since, it's been eight years.  Yes, I've gotten new underwear since then!!! They've just been from wallyworld. What?! Don't judge me, they have sexy(ish) undies too! Apparently the Hubster finds them lacking, since he insisted I get some new digs..... Sigh. I hate VS, and here's my reasoning.  1.) The employees are very accommodating, but they insist on comparing themselves to you. Almost like their commiserating with you, yet showing off their own assets at the same time. The one who *helped* me-translation tried to bully me into buying a new bra-actually ran her hands up and down her own frame while pushing her "girls" together to simulate a push-up bra. Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I do not require a push-up, nor padded bras of any kind. I've got my own "girls" and they'd pop right out of any push-up bras. Duh! I need support, being a glorified underwear pusher you'd think she'd know this? Whatever. The Hubster enjoyed the display, while I was slightly revolted and may have thrown up a bit in my mouth. 2.) I almost always run into someone I know in there and I'd rather they *not* know what type of underpants I sport. Nor the size, color, print, sayings etc... If I want to wear bright orange zebra stripped panties that read hot and sexy in crystals across my ass, then I'd rather my acquaintances/coworkers/family/next door neighbor not know about it. *One* less thing to gossip about!   This is what would shortly follow, "Hehe, do you see that full figured, middle, aged chick with the graying hair over there (I prefer "full figured" to fat, plump or obese, semantics really.), she's wearing a thong with crystals that read hot and sexy, (snicker) as if!!".  I'd rather live in my delusional world without people judging my choice of underpants. This last trip to VS did land me into a stilted conversation with  a  fellow coworker. We did not make eye contact as we made our selections, but briefly commiserated on how both of our significant others suggested we buy new undergarments. Ugh. 3.) The only sizes they have in the bazillions is XXS. Wtf?! Last I people watched in the illinois valley, and correct me if I'm wrong, but there were hardly any that *truly* qualified as an XXS. That's not to say they don't wear them anyway, and look splendid in them. (cough). Trying to find your size is terribly disconcerting, depressing and down right insulting when confronted with only XXS's.  I could go on, but why bother, your no doubt catching my drift. So, your all probably on pins and needles wondering, did she purchase new undies?? Indeed I did, I had all of my items selected and ready for purchase by the time the Hubster and the D.S. arrived AND I bought a pair of yoga pants that I refuse to wear out of the house. The Hubs can enjoy that visual display while I lounge on the couch surfing the web, face booking and reading books on my iPad. What? Did you really think I'd be doing any actual yoga, let alone be caught dead out of the house in them?? Pfftttt!! Just for spite, I'm going to wallyworld later to buy a bra. Where there's no kittenish sales rep pushing padded bras at me, nor shoving her "girls" in mine, my husbster or 4 year olds face AND maybe, just maybe I'll wear my yoga pants. After all at wallyworld, I'd fit right in, where obscene clothing choices are perfectly acceptable, if not down right disgusting.  I just may end up earning a spot on one of those People of Walmart slide shows! For that threat of such a  shudderiffic display, I might just deserve one of my own coveted ninja kicks. Cheers!