Sunday, February 5, 2012

Shopping with the family can be somewhat embarrassing. Especially if it's my family...

You'd think I would've figured this out a loooong time ago and just cut my loses but, it appears I'm a glutton for punishment. Or lack common sense. I'm going with the former...

Each family member has a Moment that stands out, as their *worst* shopping moment ever. Here's a few of the monsters golden moments, before I entertain you with the Hubsters.

The oldest, Sam was about three years old and we decided to head to the local mall for the day. While the Hubs and Sam are in GameStop, I make a quick run into Victoria's Secret for some "me" time. I'm rummaging through some items, when I notice the famdamily enter the store.*sigh* I'm making some final decisions, completely unaware that the Hubs is beyond distracted by all of the glory that is VS, when I glance down and see my child happily rummaging intently through a drawer of thongs with a pink polka dot bra tied (by tied, I mean knotted.) to his head. Yep! It's as craptastic as you've just pictured it. The cups are up like bunny ears on the top of his head, and the straps are *tied* under his chin. I smack the Hubsters arm (very hard! HE was suppose to be watching the monster, instead of oogling merchandise/people/mannequins etc...). Mortified, I quickly glance around to survey the situation of being observed and untie said bra from my sons head, drop my potential purchases on a random table and beat a hasty retreat! Looking back, I Soooo wish we'd gotten a picture!! 

Audrey, my middle monster, while shopping at Walmart, was asked to keep her hands in the cart at all times. She choose to forgo my advice and knocked quite a few canned goods off a shelf, by "a few" I mean almost an entire shelf. Which in and of itself isn't that offensive. Except that when I tried to decrease the damage or impact of the cans hitting the floor, one fell awkwardly on my thumb and sliced it right open. Not, Fun! Try finding a bandage in Walmart, FAST,  without having to buy one?! I ended up standing in line, with toilet paper holding my bleeding digit intent on purchasing a package of band aides, while an elderly lady paid for her purchases by check. Rock the Walmart experience.

Then there was the D.S., aka Charlie at the local Target.... Truly, cringe worthy. 
Never go shopping with the D.S., his blase' attitude completely lacks discretion. A warning label should accompany him at all times, or a muzzle. The latter sounds better everyday. While shopping in Target and waiting for Sam by the changing room counter, Auds observed the carts contents and was wondering why we needed baby powder. Charlie was helpful enough to point out (loudly) to one and all, “It’s for Dad’s butt.” To which the Target employee standing in front of us, couldn’t stop laughing as poor Hubs just stood there completely dumbfounded, unable to defend himself. What can one really say to defuse an observation like that, that *doesn't* make you look as if you're trying to down play a child's comment-however erroneous it may be?! 

Ahhhhhh, the Hubsters golden moment.

The other day, with the older kids off to school, the Hubster decided to take the D.S. and I to breakfast at Cracker Bees.

Side note: When my oldest was a tot, he used to get Cracker Barrel and Apple Bees mixed up, referring to them as "Apple Barrel" and "Cracker Bee's". Eight years later we still refer to them as such, because, well, it's funny.

 Anyway, we settled into eating a hearty breakfast and upon our return home, decided to stop at  Farm n Fleet to pick up dog food. You can't gorge yourself full of food and return home to a poor dog with less than a bowl full of dog food.... So, the Hubs is fighting with me the entire way across a very short intersection (the restaurant and fleet are directly across the street from each other), about being obnoxiously full/still drunk from the night before/too tired from pulling a video game all nighter. Being the loving wife that I am, I make him go in regardless of his pleas. 

Big mistake!

Upon finding the dog food isle, the Hubster then bends down hauls a huge 50lb bag *onto* his shoulder. Only, he'd (drunkenly) miscalculated and the bag goes flying over his shoulder, landing with a very loud crash upon the floor behind him. It still hadn't registered that the bag has sailed past his shoulder, his hands in mid air holding where the bag *should* be. I watch (from my vantage point, laughingly crouched on the floor trying not to pee myself) as his face registers, first shock as his eyes go wide, then bewilderment as he looks for the bag, then embarrassment as his face-starting from the neck up-turns bright red. Hilarious, and embarrassing all at once. I would've walked away and pretended not to even know him, but I just couldn't stop laughing. You know what I'm talking about? The silent laugh that shakes your whole body, to where you can't breathe or even stand up right, nor see through the tears of mirth?? Yeah, that was me.

I'm sure one of our BFF's, who works in the office there, would have a field day with the surveillance tape, if she was smart enough to get a cut of it?! Hint, hint, Laura!!! Call and I'll give ya the date and time!lol

After picking up the pieces, and our fallen bag of df, we continued on our walk of shame to the register and then drive home. Laughing hysterically the entire way!!

Now here's where the D.S. gets commended. Usually, he's the one that does this particular walk of shame, but today, sadly it was the parental units...

Moral to the story, shop online where there's less potential for embarrassment. Or, fly solo, if you end up in an embarrassing situation, then you've only yourself to blame, but under no circumstances should one *ever* shop with my famdamily! Each one has earned a Ninja kick. 

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