Friday, January 13, 2012

My dog must truly *love* me, and here's why:

The dog in my life, insane x4.

He has an uncanny ability to crap the house at the most disturbing times i.e. Like when I'm late running the kids to school (today!!), when the unsuspecting house guest is over or (may particular fav), when he has just been outside. Wtf?! He must enjoy the fufilling feeling of humiliating me.

He also, absolutely, refuses to stay in his yard unless threatened before hand. Literally! If I lecture him before I open the door, he'll stay put. If I forgo the lecture, he must assume "game on" and disappears. Which is really fun when your neighbors bring him back to your yard, knock on the door and lecture YOU on the dangers of leaving your pets unattended. Ugh!

Now, I know, your all thinking Lisa, he's a dog' they don't understand "lectures". I say, "nuts to you!" non believers, mine must, because he lives to torture me. He knows to trot the neighborhood when, oh let's see.... I'm in my pj's, or one of the kid's are home sick, or I'm sick, when there's a snow/hail/wind/rain storm or I'm cooking dinner and lost track of time etc... Usually, he gives me one chance to let him in. If I miss that open window of opportunity, where he's standing at the back door looking in at me and I haven't hauled ass to get there (can animals count seconds?! Mine must...), he disappears.
Game on. 

Then he has the balls (yep, balls!), to make me hunt his ass down and *guide* him home. Now this is where I'm sure the neighbors think I'm a lunatic (much like the Hubsters already figured out...). here I am, in my polar bear pj's and house slippers (don't judge me) pulling on his collar and he's not budging. NOT... BUDGING!!! He's 90+ lbs peeps!! He has a  narrow head (and mind, but, whose judging?) and thick neck, so when you pull on his collar, it slips right off his head. He knows this, he lives for this moment. He even gamely bows his head when I come close, taunting me into making the eventual pull for it, which almost always knocks me off balance when it comes free. Stupid dog! 

Thus, it becomes a battle of the wills, his will to torture me and stay outside, my will to kill him (ummm, I mean love him to pieces) and bring the brat home. Where much coaxing, threatening and *soft* nudges to the rear are implemented. Home folks, home! To his err, my(?!), warm comfy couch, that he gets the majority of, while I'm squeezed into a tiny corner! He gets waited on for meals, treats, bedtime, baths, he even gets to sleep the day away, mostly on my blanket and pillow (bastard) and go for the occasional car ride.

I want his life!

I'm totally convinced he wakes up an thinks, hmmmm, what can I do to mess with the bitch today... He hates me, and this is why he deserves a kick to the head. Because really, a kick to the rear end just isn't satisfying enough

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